April 24, 2008

Below is our newsletter for the week. Remember, we are not the end-all, be-all! We are just teachers sharing our thoughts and ideas with you. Feel free to modify strategies you receive from us to fit you and your classroom.

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Weekly Tip: Working with Helicopter Parents

     Interacting with the parents of our students is probably one of the least enjoyable and most feared aspects of teaching. If you are a parent yourself then you may feel slightly more comfortable talking with other parents. However, I know I still feel a little nervous before interacting with an intimidating parent. As a new teacher you may decide that the best policy is to simply ignore or have minimum possible contact with parents. While this avoidance may temporarily allow you a reprieve, in the end it will come back to haunt you, especially with helicopter parents.

     What is a helicopter parent? This is someone who hovers constantly over their child. It is an over-protective parent who wishes to shield their child from the harshness of life. You may also define this parent as someone who constantly questions your every move, who defends their child no matter what the circumstances, and who spends more time doing homework than your student.

     In reality a helicopter parent is one who deeply cares for their child and wants the best for him/her. Unfortunately this often develops into a fierce overly-protective attitude that comes across as demanding and intimidating. As with all things there are degrees of helicopter parents. Some are not so bad. They simply want to be kept informed and are working as an advocate for their child. This may seem interfering to some, but the parent is looking out for the best interest of his/her child. With regular communication these parents will often let you do your job. Others are extreme with demands and daily or weekly confrontations about their child. So how can you work with these parents and keep your sanity?

     Unfortunately there is no simple answer. The key is building relationships. Just as you work to build positive relationships with your students, you need to build these same kinds of relationships with the parents. This is a very proactive approach and takes time on your part, so it is best to start at the beginning of the school year. What’s important about this strategy is that respect and trust develop through good relationships. Consequently, parents who respect and trust you will be less likely to hover.

     Most helicopter parents become so over the years because of a desire to stay informed about their child’s life away from home. So, the first step is to keep parents informed of what is going on. If you have a parent who seems to crave constant contact, be proactive. Stay in touch and send information home about classroom procedures & policies, upcoming units of study, and due dates. If you know in advance that the parent will most likely question an assignment, jot a short note of explanation and attach it to the child’s planner or homework sheet. That act may take you five minutes to complete, but will save you a twenty minute phone call. This note might say something like, “We studied improper fractions today. The homework is to help your child practice the skill of changing improper fractions into proper fractions.”

     Another idea is to keep a classroom blog and choose one student each day to write an entry for the blog. “Today in class we…” This can serve a dual purpose of checking for understanding and keep parents aware of what is happening in the classroom. You may also want to make blog entries about upcoming projects and other major assignments, teaching strategies you are using in the classroom, and praising students for their work and behavior. When overly concerned parents ask about what’s happening in the classroom, refer them to your class blog.

     Keep your website updated with information and due dates for parents to view. Some teachers also post homework assignments on their website. Let parents know that if their child forgets the homework it is posted on the website. This will keep those over anxious parents from sending you multiple emails or leaving three or four phone messages in a span of twenty minutes. You may have to send home reminders about this communication tool throughout the school year.

     When conferencing with a hovering parent about student behaviors and work product be sure to come to the meeting prepared with documentation. A loving parent will find it easier to stay blind to the issues when there is very little documentation. However, when faced with a clear trail of documented behavior or samples of work completed in class, the parent may find it more difficult to argue. Be aware that there will still be those who swear their child isn’t to blame and nothing you can say or show will sway them. Hold your ground and use school policy to help you enforce any consequences.

     Appeal to the parent’s desire to help their child. Focus on the fact that you also want the student to be successful in the classroom. Next, offer specific ways the parent can help the child at home. At the same time, describe common behaviors that do more harm than help (such as completing homework or projects for the child). When suggesting specific tasks for parents to do at home with their child, you are providing them with a way to be an active part of their child’s academics.

     Also, many helicopter parents don’t know how to respond to the messy side of life with their child. So, to avoid these situations they do their best to keep their child fully protected. Offer strategies for communicating support and understanding to their child when hurt or disappointed. You might say something like this, “I know it is hard to see your child disappointed with a low grade. I hate to see it as well. However, this is a learning experience. The best way to help him/her overcome this disappointment is to empathize and then encourage him/her to keep trying. I do this with every child in my class who feels that disappointment. It is a hard lesson, but will help them learn how to accept disappointment and work past it. By protecting him/her constantly from disappointment the child cannot grow and mature in a healthy manner.”

     This is very much like Marlin, Nemo’s dad in the movie, “Finding Nemo.” Marlin makes the comment to Dory that he promised Nemo he’d never let anything happen to him. Her comment is, “That’s funny. If you don’t let anything happen to him then nothing will ever happen to him.” Without the bad we cannot fully experience the good. Discuss these concepts with parents at the beginning of the school year during your parent meeting or open house. You may have to have this conversation again during individual conferences.

     The last strategy I’ll offer is patience. These parents are struggling with what is right for their child. You both want the same thing – success for the student. Take some time to reassure the parent that you are also concerned for their child’s welfare. Take some time to build a relationship with the parent just as you do with the student. Unfortunately there is no quick fix for the hovering parent. It takes time and energy to build a relationship and develop trust, and it is only through trust that these parents will leave you alone to do your job.