In issue 2:

1. Greetings!

2. Sweet Resistance, Sweet Truth...

3. A Couple of Questions to Chew On

4. Quote of the Month

5. More Stuff

Welcome to the second monthly edition of DadsNews, just in time for the holidays! It's been a fast month up here in the NorthCountry. House-shaking Autumn winds are barreling through - pushing cold rain, the first flakes of snow, and clouds of every imaginable shape...

A special welcome to new subscribers, and a heart-felt "Thank You!" to all you folks who have passed the word about DadsNews on to friends, spousal units, and others. I'm deeply grateful for your continued support.

And please do pass this issue on to fathers and other men, the women who love them, and folks you know for whom creativity, relationship, family, humor are high values. Oh - and let's not forget people who just enjoy good stories well told...

And from me and my family to you and yours - May this season bring you all that your heart desires, and may your inner child find love, delight and wonder in each moment...

Now grab a cup of coffee, tea or hot chocolate, (you folks in warmer climates can sit in front of an open refrigerator if you need to get in the mood...) and settle in for a few minutes...

I'm sitting by my son's side as he turns and twitches in his sleep. He's having a scary dream, and though I can't make out every word he's speaking in his tired, somnambulistic tongue, I clearly hear "Daddy!" more than once.

I feel my pulse quicken as I lean in closer, feel that familiar tightening in my gut.

I'm doing my best to comfort my boy, and for all I know, he's creating - or reliving - scenes featuring me in some sort of crazed, terrifying rage. I know he's witnessed more than a few demonstrations of my anger.

His eyes are open wide, looking through me at whatever frightening thing is dancing behind me... I don't want to make this about me, because it's Cai who's having the nightmares, yet my mind is racing. Every doubt I've ever had about myself as a father comes rushing in - a tidal boar of near-paralyzing images and fears rushing up river. My mind wants me to know: "You did this! The monster in you is alive and well and haunting your son's dreams!"

As Cai tosses and sobs in the dim glow of his night-light, I gently work my arms under him and hold him, offering as much comfort as I can. He feels warm - almost weightless - in this dark space between sleeping and waking. He squeezes his eyes tightly shut, buries his face in my bent elbow, tears soaking through the right sleeve of my sweatshirt. Breath deepening, he is slowly waking up...

I turn my attention to my own breath, notice the position I'm sitting in. I didn't realize how torqued my spine was, didn't register the set of my jaw, or that I'd only been breathing from the top couple of inches of my chest. Half of my body was gone - I'd lost track of it. I was busy up there in my head battling an automatic tide of thoughts and emotions.

Resistance in my head, resistance in my body... I don't want to feel any of this right now...

Cai opens his eyes slowly and looks up at me. He's disoriented, calmer now, and beginning to piece together the past couple of minutes. The fearful look in his eyes has melted away, leaving a sort of glassy beauty behind.

We march together to the bathroom, wash up and head back into Cai's darkened bedroom. He climbs back into bed, notices his dampened pillow. I turn it over, dry side up, and he slides under the covers, hugging his favorite stuffed animal on his way down.

I reach out with my right hand, feel Cai's warmth through soft blankets, and begin to move my hand across his back in slow circles.

He makes a funny squeaking sound, which I recognize instantly as our own version of a Humpback Whale song. (We've proudly spoken Humpback - mostly at bedtime - long before the language was popularized in "Finding Nemo.") I answer with a long groan, a click, and a low hum.

"I love you, and you're a best friend," he says. My hand takes another lap around his back.

I lean over, kiss his cheek and bury my nose in his hair, sniffing in as much of his sweet scent as I can...

I rise from his side, tread toward the open door and turn back to look at his sleeping form one more time. In the light of the hallway I stop and look down at my hands, just to make sure they aren't shaking anymore. The crook of my right elbow is still damp with Cai's tears.

What was I so afraid of, hearing "Daddy!" called out that way? What was I resisting so?

One thing I've learned is that when those frenetic, desperate feelings kick in, I've lost touch with what's going on right now. I go off on adventures in my brain that are all about what I can't control and what should be different than the reality in front of me.

I can't take away my son's nightmares while he's having them - can't pull the images out from behind his dreaming eyes and replace them with innocent clouds. I can be there to hold him, sit with him, dry his tears and walk him to the bathroom...

I walk down the hall, sit on the floor by my own bed and breathe. I dive, past the images and emotions, into the feelings that minutes ago, I was doing my best to resist. My heart starts to race again... then slows. A picture of an angry me comes racing in. It's not at all pretty. I don't get out of it's way - just let it come. The picture moves in slow motion, then shrinks to the point of vanishing. A few more images, another rush in the gut that feels familiar and ancient - I focus on that one and dive in again. Slowly, the ancient sensation slips away, too. ...Then it's quiet.

It's not so bad here, letting go of the fight. Easier, I think, than battling the tides...

"I did not become a vegetarian for my health, I did it for the health of the chickens."
Isaac Bashevis Singer

Next issue of DadsNews: January 10, 2005!
Not receiving it yet? Here you go!

Thanks for your continued patience as Cirruscoaching.com gets the makeover it so richly deserves. As you read this, Paul is in the Bahamas, so work is on hold for a week. All the pages - sans images - are back up, linked correctly and functional. The new site will be well worth waiting for!

Emerging from the Skunkworks and heading out to Portsmouth, NH the weekend of January 22 to co-lead a brand-spankin' new workshop: The 3rd Way: Exploring the Divine Masculine and Feminine. I'll be joined by fellow Skunkworkers Sam House, Debra Wilton-Kinney, Susan Vitale and a bunch of willing, curious explorers!

Last I checked, the roster was pretty close to full. If you'd like to join us in January (space permitting) or get on the list for the next round, drop me a message.

On the Teleclass front, Melanie Keveles and I will be bringing Bitten By The Muse back once again, beginning January 6, 2004. Here's what it's all about:

Across the ages creative expression has been a hallmark of the human experience.

The urge to create – to respond to one’s muse – is as much a part of our individual experience as it is our human cultural history. From ancient cave paintings to working your mojo in the kitchen with your stereo blasting while no one is looking, creativity will always seek an expression. The Muse will bite. How you choose to respond is your business…

Bitten by the Muse is a rigorous, fun, and occasionally irreverent invitation to explore and respond to creative callings. If you’ve ever dreamed of creating – in the studio, garden, kitchen, or business world – this is the course for you!

“I am now very much centered with the fact that I’m an incredibly creative person. I’m even somewhat artistic. I’ve more confidence in myself, and more trust…”

“Suddenly I got that I could just sit down and write a book. It’s a breakthrough in my ability to see the actual possibility of writing something that people will pick up and read!”

“I have come to see more of what I do as creative, and to tune into creative impulses that I might not have recognized.”

“I’m clearer about the fact that I have barely tapped my creative potential. I also got clear that much of my difficulty in letting myself be more creative has to do with my own negative self-assessments, and my deep-seated belief that ‘Art is just silly stuff. It’s playing, not work, and I have real serious work to do!’ I get that doing art unleashes my creative energy in many ways that directly enhance my work performance… Besides, it’s ok to just have fun, too!”

“So far a lot of my creativity has been around word shaping, I feel more open now to take that to a different medium - song, paint, clay, dance.”

Ready to take the creative plunge? To register: drop an email, or call Ken at 518.580.0550.

Feedback for DadsNews - or a simple "howdy!" - is always welcome. Send me a note!