"Human nature has an unhealthy need to control or to be controlled. No one is excluded; every one of us has the ability to be either a controller or a controllee, or both." Pastor Dick

"The detachment of the wise man is not the detachment from people or situations, but from his ideas and attitudes about people or situations." Unknown

One of the hardest things for us as human beings is to simply let other people do things their way. It may not be 'our' way or the way that we see as ideal, but that doesn't mean that we are right and they are wrong. It simply means that we need to LET GO of the way that we believe is the 'right way.'

We want to be the stage director for other people's lives and actions. Letting go is an act by which you release your need to control every situation, person, place or thing. By letting go and detaching from the outcome, it frees us to make better decisions.

Recently when vacationing in Jamaica with a friend, the first thing I did was adjust my watch to their time zone. My friend chose not to change his and kept it on NY time. I found myself eager to tell him to change his watch. Instead of telling, I thought I would suggest it or question him. Instead, I kept my mouth shut. Why? Because I realized that it is none of my business. He is old enough and smart enough to make his own decisions about how he wants to deal with the time change. That's when I realized how our need and desire to control is so pervasive. I wanted to control how he managed the time change!

A client was struggling with frustration and worry because he was insistent on making sure that every project was done perfectly. He believed that if he followed the project through to the bitter end, no matter how much time it took, and then rechecked to make sure everything was perfect, then he would be in control of his potential promotion. In the meantime, he was constantly exhausted. What he came to understand is that by doing his best work and giving his best effort was the only part in his control. The outcome is beyond it. Once he realized that by letting go of the outcome and trusting that it would turn out okay because of his concerted effort, he began to relax and felt a huge sense of freedom and lightness.

Another client talked about her careful preparations for her dinner party. She planned the menu, prepared, and served the food. At the end, she realized that she had forgotten to serve one of the vegetables. Instead of giving herself a hard time and feeling badly, she immediately knew that there was nothing she could do about it and rather than dwelling on the oversight, she simply let it go. When people can do this, their life becomes so much easier, provides freedom, and allows for fun.

We tend to believe that by controlling and worrying we will affect the outcome we desire. Ironically, trying to control an outcome usually keeps it from happening the way we want.

Letting go involves our detaching from people, places or things that hook us emotionally.
We believe:
--that only I can solve the problem
--it is up to me to do it perfectly and quickly
--if I don't solve things, people will see me as a failure
--it is up to me to tell people what to do
--If I don't fix things, people will not need me.

People have a hard time believing this concept - so it's easier one step at a time. The first step is to look at what it's costing you to be in everyone's business; to think that you can control the outcome? Notice how you are feeling, thinking, behaving. This is when we realize that what we are doing is not affecting the outcome, and it's either keeping us far too busy or frustrated.

By letting go of things that we can't control or change, it allow others to take responsibility for themselves and it frees up your time and energy.

INVITATION TO EXPERIMENT
Imagine doing your best and letting go of the outcome. Think about the times when you teach your children, students, friends, colleagues something new. You explain it the best way you know how - you remain available for questions BUT you don't concern yourself with the end result. Interestingly, you may discover that it does or doesn't work as you had hoped, but everyone survives and you are free to move on, relax, feel peaceful, and have energy and strength to pursue your own interests. Keep in mind that letting go is not the end of the world, but rather it is the beginning of a new life.

"Show up. Speak the truth. And let go of results. The present will create the future."

Resources:
James J. Messina, PhD - coping.org
Michelle Smeby - callalilynetworks.com
12 Step Programs

If you feel inclined, please let me know if you decide to go ahead and try this experiment. I anxiously await hearing about your experiences. Your feedback and comments have been most welcomed:-) Keep them coming!!

Very best regards,


marion@lifecoachinggroup.com
(c) 2004-09. All rights reserved. Marion Franklin, www.lifecoachinggroup.com
Comments? Feedback? lllfeedback@lifecoachinggroup.com

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