All the world is a stage, And all the men and women merely players. They have their exits and entrances; Each man in his time plays many parts. William Shakespeare
Everybody counts, everybody deserves a chance, everybody has a responsible role to play and we all do better when we work together. Bill Clinton
Do you think that any of the following statements reflect who I am?
I’m a coach.
I’m a teacher.
I’m a mother.
I’m Marion.
I’m overwhelmed.
ANSWER: No
Our tendency is to define ourselves by our feelings and by the roles we play.
Let’s look at the statement, “I’m Marion.” In truth, my name is Marion and human beings are associated with a name for identification purposes. It’s not WHO we are.
Recently, a client said that our daily activities and the work that we do are what makes up who we are. However, that is not the case. Our inclination is to confuse what we do and the roles we play with who we are.
In reality, we are human beings at the core. In our everyday lives, we play roles. It may be parent, spouse, sibling, teacher/student, tennis player, financial analyst, etc. To say that we ARE any of these is not accurate. We are people who perform these roles throughout our day/ lives. “I’m a tennis player” is an inaccurate statement. I play tennis may be the truth.
Is it simply a question of semantics? No. It goes a lot deeper than that. While it doesn’t really matter if we say who we are or what we do incorrectly, what does matter is our identification with the role that is the cause of problems.
When we closely identify with a role, as if it is what defines us, life gets complicated. Supposing a football player only identifies himself as a football player. What happens if he loses his leg and can no longer play? He feels as though he has lost his identity. It would seem to him as though his purpose has been stripped away when neither is true.
When going through my divorce I suddenly realized that if I’m not (in the moment) a teacher, a wife, a mother, then I have no idea who I am.
A role is a responsibility – a part, a job, function, or a position. Roles may fluctuate at any moment in time. When we identify so strongly with the role we are playing at that moment, we forget that we are human beings first.
In actuality, life gets much easier when we stop identifying so closely with our roles and instead recognize them for what they are. When we make the statement “I’m tired” it implies that there is something wrong with us. In fact, it’s our body (and perhaps our mind) that is tired.
Eastern philosophy states that if we can observe something, we can’t be that something. Imagine seeing something and believing that you are that something. It is impossible. So when our mind can observe a feeling or a role, we can’t possibly be that role. We can PERFORM the role or play our part, but it is not who we are at the essence.
If, however, we view what we do as a role, then we can easily see how our true being cannot be affected by our roles. We will always be human beings first – wanting the same as all others at the deepest level – to be loved, happy, and cared about.
All of us play roles. One of the keys to understanding other people is to understand what roles they may be playing and what roles we tend to play. If we understand how we behave in a given situation, it gives us more room to understand how we can make changes when our behavior isn't working for us, when we are not getting what we want.
Every experience we have had in our past plays a part of who we are in present.
INVITATION TO EXPERIMENT
Think about the various roles that you play and have played in your life. Observe the times when you strongly identify with those roles and believe it’s who you are. Recognize that certain roles we once held as important may no longer serve us. Once you become aware, notice how that can help you to identify yourself first as a human being.
If you feel inclined, please let me know if you decide to go ahead and try this experiment. I would love to hear about your experiences. Your feedback and comments have been most welcomed:-) Keep them coming!!
Very best regards,
marion@lifecoachinggroup.com
(c) 2004-08. All rights reserved. Marion Franklin, www.lifecoachinggroup.com
Comments? Feedback? lllfeedback@lifecoachinggroup.com
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