(Reissued from 6/2005)
'You can't make me!' - Does that sound like a child being told by a parent what (s)he must do. Unfortunately, it happens to us as adults as well but it looks and sounds somewhat different. Oftentimes, we have encountered people who really want us to do something and they will try everything in their power to get us to comply.

In three distinct, recent conversations, the topic of manipulation arose. That was the signal to explore it. The dictionary says: To control to one's own advantage by artful or indirect means. In plain English, my definition: When someone wants something and only wants it from a very specific individual and will do everything they can to get it.

As an example: Sara wanted to go on a music cruise. After asking several friends who were unavailable or not financially capable, she concluded that only one of her friends would meet her criteria - someone who liked traveling and could afford the trip and the time off. Talking with that friend, Sara went on and on about the amazing opportunity, how great the music would be, the affordable price, etc. The friend did not want to go and said 'no thank you.' When the conversation ends there, all is well. However, with most people who use manipulation to get what they want -- however they can, Sara pushed harder. She talked about the chance to take a break from work, the musician line up, the incredible pricing, the ship's reputation, etc. Again, her friend said 'no thank you.' Because Sara really didn't want to go alone, she didn't stop there. Again, she pushed even harder touting all of the benefits, etc. In the end, her friend still said no but wound up feeling very badly.

Imagine creating that kind of result with a friend! The intention was to get that particular friend to say yes and that's what made it manipulative. Had she decided that she would ask several friends, and if any one could go that would be great, and if no one could go, she would then either forfeit the cruise or go alone, there wouldn't have been any manipulation. Continuing the example: When I want something (i.e. to see a particular movie), and I ask a particular person to join me, and I accept a yes or no answer, it's clean because I'm not attached to that particular person sitting next to me as long as I get to see the movie. It becomes manipulation when I want to go with a specific person who says no and I attempt to convince him/her to go with me that the manipulation process begins. When we don't take 'no' for an answer and keep pressing for a different response, or when we omit certain pertinent details for fear of a 'no' answer, we are now in the process of manipulation.

People use all kinds of means to get what they want: cajoling (persuading), begging, bargaining, tempting, bribing, enticing, etc. Unfortunately, it never feels good as the receiver. Even as adults, we get 'sucked into' doing things we don't really want to do because the means used are meant to create guilt and a final 'yes' answer.

We need to know that it's okay to say no - and we don't necessarily have to offer any explanation. That's part of being an adult and taking responsibility for our decisions and being our own ultimate judge. The typical fear is that we will cause anger or won't be liked or asked again. Ironically, it usually creates more respect and does the opposite.

INVITATION TO EXPERIMENT:
--When was the last time you did something you had serious regrets around because someone talked you into it?
--Do you see how you ARE your own ultimate judge and can say no at any time?

Next time someone tries to manipulate you into doing or going and it's not what you want, you have the right to simply say no. You may find it useful to keep repeating the same 'no' response over and over and know inside that you will not change your mind. That way, you can observe the manipulation process in full-blown action and see just how unpleasant and devious it can be.

If you feel inclined, please let me know if you decide to go ahead and try this experiment. I would love to hear about your experiences. Your feedback and comments have been most welcomed:-) Keep them coming!!

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Very best regards,


marion@lifecoachinggroup.com
(c) 2004-08. All rights reserved. Marion Franklin, www.lifecoachinggroup.com
Comments? Feedback? lllfeedback@lifecoachinggroup.com

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