Delay is the deadliest form of denial. C. Northcote Parkinson
Sometimes it seems easier to turn a cheek rather than confront what's going on. Let's face it, often we don't want to face it. Denial keeps us from what is true, real, or fair and distorts reality.
Examples:
Having an affair won't hurt anyone.
A different boss would make my life great.
Denial is both positive and negative. It can act as a buffer after unexpected shocking news or a traumatic experience. On the 'negative' side, denial is a defense or strategy to avoid dealing with an event that is occurring/occurred where it behooves us to recognize the reality.
Many years ago, when watching a special program about the Titanic, my friend claimed that I would have been in the ballroom dancing until the bitter end. And, despite the fact that women and children were supposed to leave first, he would have abandoned ship at the first sign of trouble.
For years that conversation stayed with me before I decided to figure out if that was accurate, and if so, why. Why would I continue as if nothing bad was happening?
I recognized my tendency of seeing things as I would like them to be rather than how they are. In contrast, many people dwell on the consequences and downside and miss the joy and possibilities that life offers us.
Neither one works well. After discovering the source of my unrealistic thinking or denial, it woke me up to understanding that every situation is different and pretending something is not happening can actually prove to be dangerous.
The danger comes from:
-- loss of time
-- drained energy
-- inability to make progress
-- continued unhappiness
-- not getting what's needed
Instead of addressing a situation as a reality, we avoid it and act as if it doesn't exist. In the short term, it keeps us from uncomfortable; in the long term, it prevents us from taking appropriate action that could lead to a far greater outcome.
Someone knew for about a year that her job would end. Instead of starting an earnest job search, she clung to the belief that something would suddenly change. When the job ended, she faced the harsh reality that had been there all along. Rather than acknowledging her situation and using time wisely, denial led to major drama and pressure to find a new job.
Denial costs us and often threatens or undermines our own sense of identity, self-trust, worth, and our esteem. Denial is often maintained by our illogical thinking that is attempting to support our distorted perceptions. The Titanic won't sink; it's just a bit of water and someone will take care of it.
We often hear about denial when a relationship is going sour. Our tendency is to ignore clues and hope that things turn around. Ironically, relationships are usually over before they are over. The damage or rift is not reconcilable but we adhere to unrealistic hope. Yet, if we faced the reality earlier, we might take actions that could either change the outcome and/or allow us the freedom to pursue a loving, supportive relationship.
Denial leaves us in a passive mode rather than a proactive one that would allow us to change our situation.
Despite good advice to deal with his cancer immediately, my friend claimed that his son's problems were more critical and important. Three years later, he died, reportedly having waited too long to address the cancer. (Of course, either way may have had the same outcome, but at least there would have been a better chance at life.)
Denial can lead to blame and prevent us from looking at the truth of a situation. Examples: We don't get the promotion, make the team, or get another date. It is possible that we didn't have the necessary skills or the sought after characteristics. It behooves us to confront other possibilities and options so that we can make appropriate changes. Facing it allows us to take different action steps instead of blaming and waiting around.
INVITATION TO EXPERIMENT
Can you recognize the danger in not having addressed something sooner?
Currently, is there something happening in your life that you are not facing realistically?
When something unpleasant occurs (job loss, end of relationship, family disagreements), rather than sitting in denial, what can you do to recognize the clues and reality of the situation, and what actions can you take to affect a different outcome?
Suggested resource: changingminds.org
If you feel inclined, please let me know if you decide to go ahead and try this experiment. I would love to hear about your experiences. Your feedback and comments have been most welcomed:-) Keep them coming!!
Very best regards,
marion@lifecoachinggroup.com
(c) 2004-08. All rights reserved. Marion Franklin, www.lifecoachinggroup.com
Comments? Feedback? lllfeedback@lifecoachinggroup.com
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