While we can literally slip on someone else's shoes, we cannot literally get into someone else's mind.
Accordingly, when someone does or says something that we don't agree with or have not experienced, our tendency is to shrug it off, lose patience, or not even attempt to try and understand another viewpoint or angle.
Recently a friend and I planned to go swimming. It quickly became apparent that she is deathly afraid of water. My typical response might be to think or say something like: "Get over it; it's only water and we can stay where it's shallow." However, when I took the time to inquire into her fear, I discovered that she truly believes that she will drown.
While it may sound oversimplified and dramatic, it is real for her. After discussing it, I developed an incredible amount of patience and empathy. (Empathy – the ability to identify with and understand another person's feelings or difficulties.) Ultimately, with my holding her and her holding onto the edge, she was able to get wet in the shallow end of the pool and actually relax. It took quite a few tries to reach this point, but the joy she felt made it worthwhile.
Too often, we get wrapped up in our own experiences, beliefs, and ideas and we believe that other people must have the same ones. When they don't, we tend to get dismissive or intolerant rather than curious and interested.
Another friend and I talked about relationships specifically focusing on break ups.
We discussed a situation where someone has had a devastating history of bad break ups and therefore never again wants to enter into a relationship. Again, this may appear extreme, but nevertheless true for that person.
My friend felt that everyone experiences break ups, and while it's difficult initially, we survive and move on. It became evident from our conversation that our natural tendency is to dismiss other people's feelings and ideas when we can't identify with them. Our tendency is to attribute our own feelings onto the other person.
Eventually, we came to the conclusion that for some people a negative experience might be traumatic, for another shrugged off as no big deal, and everything in between.
A client told me about her intolerance and lack of patience for some of the patients she cares for at work. However, when she herself became a patient, she had major revelations. She realized how many of the complaints and challenges experienced by her patients were the same ones she herself was experiencing. It created a tremendous amount of empathy and a new sense of tolerance.
What is the point of even bothering to get into someone else's shoes?
When we choose to stay with our own beliefs and ideas of how something 'should' be, our world becomes insular (physically or emotionally removed from others – inward looking).
When we truly stand in someone else's shoes and imagine where they are coming from in their ideas and thinking, only then can we minimize any judgments and realize that people don't necessarily experience things the same way that we do.
Overall, it creates less of a separatist attitude or at best, a deeper connection. There is a rippling out into the world, as well as helping another person to feel understood. Diplomacy is all about recognizing the other point of view. From that perspective, imagine how the world would be if nations would step into other nation's shoes. It would help to reduce the conflict and steadfast positions taken and make it easier to reach a compromise.
INVITATION TO EXPERIMENT
When you are communicating with someone and you notice that you have an idea or judgment around what they are saying or how they are doing something), you may want to consider getting into their shoes (depending upon the relationship). That is, trying to understand their perspective and their point of view.
By the same token, when someone says to you something like "Get over it," you may realize that they really don't grasp your point of view. Depending upon the relationship, you can let it go or perhaps explain why it's important to you that the person does understand.
If you feel inclined, please let me know if you decide to go ahead and try this experiment. I would love to hear about your experiences. Your feedback and comments have been most welcomed:-) Keep them coming!!
Very best regards,
marion@lifecoachinggroup.com
© 2004-07. All rights reserved. Marion Franklin, www.lifecoachinggroup.com
Comments? Feedback? lllfeedback@lifecoachinggroup.com
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