Many of us are not usually aware of how often we use the word "should" and the implications of its use. Too often we hear ourselves say things like: "I should have eaten less." "I should go to bed earlier." I should not have said what I did." Or sometimes even worse: You should call her now."
Yet, it's semantics, so what's the problem?
When we use the word should, it is not coming from our true self. Instead, it comes from another source – such as society, our ego, our history.
--I should thank a person after getting a gift.
--I should wear sneakers when I run.
--I should stay overtime and finish my work.
--You should have gotten a better grade.
There are times when the shoulds are more intrinsic. They dictate choices and behaviors despite our not really wanting to follow them or even being aware of their existence.
A married client was struggling with changing her job. She really was okay with things as they were. However, her husband felt that she wasn't living up to her potential and should contribute more to the family finances. Although it appeared as though she had an internal struggle, the should was coming indirectly from her husband.
Once she became aware of how much her husband's wishes were affecting her conflict, she could make a clear decision. She chose to honor her values and her happiness and stay with her current position.
When we hear the word should, it's a good idea to question what is behind it. Where is it coming from?
In fact, in many conflicts or dilemmas, we feel stress from a spoken or unspoken should and in some way obliged. The unspoken should is harder to discover. Yet, just being in conflict might bring up questioning the motive for each alternative option.
Frequently, we hear the unspoken should with a child deciding if (s)he wants to go to college right after high school. The should comes from the parent(s), adult, or society. The child may not feel ready and want to take a break from school to honor their true selves and trust their instinct. However, they feel conflicted because their true desire is not the same as their parents.
When flying back from California, I heard myself saying "I should finish reading my Newsweek before I get home." Then I questioned myself – Do I want to finish reading Newsweek? Only then could I make a deliberate choice based on my truth.
Imagine substituting the word CHOOSE for should.
I choose to write a thank you note.
I choose not to dress appropriately for the weather.
It becomes your choice not influenced by anyone or anything on the outside.
Should implies guilt or blame especially when used as should have. When something is already completed or in the past, we can't go back and change it. It might be beneficial to think along the lines of "If a similar situation arises again, perhaps I could consider doing it differently."
Technically, although the alternatives may not be palatable, there is always a choice or desire vs. an imposed command. "I should put a coat on because it's cold." There is no should as we have a choice: Do I choose to be cold?
When driving, I shouldn't speed. Again, there's a choice. I could choose to speed and risk causing an accident and getting a ticket. I could choose not to speed and reduce the potential risks. That is a choice. Should insinuates that we do not have a choice.
Having and making a conscious choice empowers us to be true to ourselves and our values.
INVITATION TO EXPERIMENT
Pay attention and listen to how many times you hear the word should. Figure out where the choice lies. Also, listen for the times when you tell someone else what they ‘should’ do/ not do. Perhaps that can be rephrased so it is not an implied command but rather offered as an option. It might sound like: "I invite you to consider XYZ. This applies to our own should as well.
If you feel inclined, please let me know if you decide to go ahead and try this experiment. I would love to hear about your experiences. Your feedback and comments have been most welcomed:-) Keep them coming!!
Very best regards,
marion@lifecoachinggroup.com
© 2004-07. All rights reserved. Marion Franklin, www.lifecoachinggroup.com
Comments? Feedback? lllfeedback@lifecoachinggroup.com
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