If we choose powerlessness, it is often because we doubt there is any other option. The Power Principle: Influence with Honor by Blaine Lee
It's so easy to blame your mother, the weather, the alarm clock – whatever.
A client was upset because she decided to purchase a van so that she could transport more people who didn't have their own transportation. She offered to pick people up and take them to their meeting each week. She complained that people were not appreciative and were taking advantage of her.
Too often, we do things expecting something in return – gratitude, recognition, payment, etc. When that doesn't happen, we feel like a victim of circumstance. Why am I going out of my way to help people and they won't even say thank you?
The problem with the 'victim' mentality is that it is seen as though there are no choices. A person doesn't accept any responsibility for the outcome.
How many times have you heard someone complain about their job, their boss, their spouse, or their environment? And, how many times have you thought "Why don't you change it?" We have a tendency to believe that if something does not meet our expectations or isn't the way we want it to be, it has to remain that way. It's as if we have to accept it and the only thing we can do is continue to complain.
Recently, a client was lamenting about the terrible nutritional choices of food offered at the workplace cafeteria. "Why can't they serve healthier food?" "Don't they realize this is bad nutrition, etc."
And what about some options:
-- Bring your own lunch?
-- Speak to someone in charge of the food choices?
-- Go out for lunch?
So often we DO have options and choices, but we get so locked into 'this is how it is' that we are blinded to possibilities.
I listened to a client go on and on about his employee who was not working up to par, not meeting deadlines, etc. He was reaching the 'end of his rope' when I asked if he had discussed this with his employee. He said "Yes, many times, but things do not change." The next question…. What is something YOU can do to make it different? (i.e. recommend a development course, put him on notice, fire him) Instead of complaining and feeling as though it has to be this way, there usually are options. We get so trapped into believing that we are stuck with a situation.
A client was upset because her husband consistently came home late from work. It seems as though he complained about the amount of work and how he could not leave sooner and get things accomplished. She discovered that her husband spent time during the workday with personal calls and e-mails. He saw himself as a 'victim' of office overload when in fact, he chose to contribute to the problem without taking any responsibility. We tend not to take any responsibility as if what is happening is completely out of our control.
Unfortunately, there are circumstances where we truly are a victim – held hostage, held at gunpoint, threatened, etc. That is not what is discussed here.
The victim role conjures up sympathy in some cases and attention in others. It also takes us off the hook from accepting responsibility.
The 'victim mentality' is very common in an unfulfilling relationship. It manifests in ways where there is constant complaining about the other person. Why does she always make me late? Why am I stuck cleaning his mess? We do that believing that we have to accept things as they are – as if we have no alternatives.
We could go in separate cars. We could allow enough time instead of constantly blaming the traffic. In every instance, we have choices. We may not like the alternatives, but they exist. Therefore, when we choose to wait and arrive late, we too are responsible.
INVITATION TO EXPERIMENT
What or who are you consistently blaming? Not enough time? Not enough money? Someone is not doing something in a particular way?
What is your part? What are your choices? If you find the choices or options unpalatable and choose to stay in the situation, you are not a victim, but rather you have made a choice!
If you feel inclined, please let me know if you decide to go ahead and try this experiment. I would love to hear about your experiences. Your feedback and comments have been most welcomed:-) Keep them coming!!
Very best regards,
marion@lifecoachinggroup.com
© 2004-07. All rights reserved. Marion Franklin, www.lifecoachinggroup.com
Comments? Feedback? lllfeedback@lifecoachinggroup.com
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