Assumptions are the termites of relationships. Henry Winkler
When someone says "My husband just passed away." A typical response might be "I'm so sorry to hear that. It must be difficult for you." When, in fact, the reply is "No. I’m so relieved. I’m not sure I could have made it through another day with him."
There are many times when our responses don't match a statement and we are unaware or caught off guard.
Usually, we 'assume' what someone means or feels based on:
--how we might feel in that situation
or
-- how we interpret something.
"I just got fired from my job." – Our reply and thoughts go right to "What a shame. So sorry to hear that." Or we try to be comforting "You'll find another one soon."
Never assume the obvious is true. William Safire
In actuality, the person may be thrilled. "Now I can finally devote myself to the new business I started without any excuses."
What creates our thinking or responses? We imagine what it would be like for ourselves. We interpret words and statements through our own filters and how we understand their meaning.
All this to imply that we don't ever really know what someone is thinking or feeling. We don't ever know what goes on in someone else's mind.
I had a client who felt inadequate after attending a college reunion. She felt as though everyone else had done more with their life. In fact, she had done a lot but 'assumed' that their stated accomplishments surpassed what she had done. She blindly accepted what they were saying and jumped to conclusions based upon how she felt about herself.
Sometimes we learn the hard way and other times we need to be aware of our judgments or ideas about what something means.
Example: After someone tells you they just lost their job, it's a good idea to check out how HE or SHE is feeling about the situation. "So what does that mean for you?" Only then, can you formulate an appropriate reply.
One client talked about the lack of a quick follow up after a date. She 'assumed' that it meant he wasn’t really interested. In fact, she found out it was quite the opposite. He was responding to her wishes of not having too much contact in the beginning of a relationship. She could have spared her bad feelings had she not made an assumption.
When we are left with negative feelings, it's useful to question whether we are assuming something or have concrete proof.
Often, we assume something is wrong when that's not the case. Usually, we don't ask questions – we just assume something is a particular way until we find out otherwise. It's often quite subtle. How often do we guess or think something to be true when we don't have any evidence?
The main reason communication breaks down is our misinterpretation of statements and situations. Because we are so 'rushed' and bogged down, it is unfortunate that we fail to inquire. Instead, we make assumptions based upon our own interpretations.
When someone says "I love my job" or "I hate my job" we tend to simply say good for you or that's too bad. Imagine if we took the moment to ask "So what is it about your job that you love/ hate so much?" We might actually better understand that person and create more of a connection.
In a recent conversation with a colleague, I lamented about coming up with material for these newsletters that brings a new perspective or adds value. I continually 'assume' that the topic is something 'everyone already knows.' Yet, based on follow up comments, often that is not the truth. It is simply an 'assumption or belief' going on only in my mind that creates unnecessary stress.
The problem with assumptions is that they set us up for miscommunication, disappointment, or unrealistic thinking.
INVITATION TO EXPERIMENT
What would it be like to actually inquire about someone else's definition of a word or thought that you usually take for granted? i.e. So what exactly made that challenging for you?
Perhaps even now you are thinking that something is true despite not having proof. How might those assumptions get in the way of your
--feelings?
--progress?
--understanding the reality of a situation?
--truth?
If you feel inclined, please let me know if you decide to go ahead and try this experiment. I would love to hear about your experiences. Your feedback and comments have been most welcomed:-) Keep them coming!!
Very best regards,
marion@lifecoachinggroup.com
© 2004-07. All rights reserved. Marion Franklin, www.lifecoachinggroup.com
Comments? Feedback? lllfeedback@lifecoachinggroup.com
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