Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable. Sidney J. Harris
When I tell clients that there is no past and no future, they think I have lost my mind. What this really means is that the past happened. It is over and now the ONLY way it can exist is in our minds. The future hasn't happened yet; that too can only exist in our minds and imagination.
The majority of people either live predominantly in the past (I wish that I had….) or in the future (What if….?). In actuality, the only time frame that is real is the present…. that which is happening right now – in the moment.
When it comes to regrets, they are strictly based on the past. The things that we:
-- could have done but didn't
-- the so-called 'missed opportunities'
-- the so-called 'wrong choices'
Dwelling on regrets that have passed doesn't change anything. In fact, it often makes us feel worse for not having done what we now believe would have been a better choice.
What makes the present moment so important and so valuable? It is truly all we have. One thing I have wished for is to live with no regrets. While it may not ever be 100% true for anyone, it does mean making the most of the time we have on the earth. This may sound corny, but I've lost close friends in the last few years.
Two of my friends died of cancer and therefore allowed us the time to say and do while we had the chance. The other friend, however, was killed in an accident. The first thing that came to mind after the initial questions were answered was about having done everything or said everything while the opportunity was still there. Fortunately, all of our conversations were supportive, nurturing and encouraging. We consistently let each other know how important we were to each other. Being proactive and taking advantage of all that we want to share and convey when it is possible is a great way to avoid regrets down the road.
Recently, a client was lamenting about having stayed in his job far too long. He knew that he wasn't fulfilled and 'should' move on but kept hanging in anyway. Finally, he left and found a fabulous, challenging, and fulfilling job. After he stopped 'beating himself up' about waiting too long, he realized that by letting go of his regret, he felt free to thoroughly enjoy his current job. Carrying any guilt about the timing of his decision was draining and unproductive.
When we let go of our past – especially regrets – it allows us to live freely in the present moment and enjoy or fully deal with what is happening now without being bogged down by guilt, blame, shame, etc.
Sometimes when we are wavering and need to make a decision, it helps to place ourselves in the present as if the decision has already been made. Then we can observe the feelings and thoughts that we may incur. Will I have regrets? Will I be okay with this choice?
We have all heard the sentiment that when someone dies it will not be said "I should have spent more time in the office." Or "I'm so glad I didn't eat that dessert."
More likely, it would be around:
-- not saying something
-- sharing enough quality time with loved ones
-- letting someone know how much you care
or
-- fully enjoying an experience because of guilt, worry, or other past/future thoughts.
What are the things that you can do to avoid regrets now, today, this week? this month?
What is on your mind that typically gets pushed aside?
Are there people you would like to contact?
Is there something you would like to say to someone?
INVITATION TO EXPERIMENT
Are you often living in the past, looking back – in your mind?
Are you usually predicting and imagining and living in the future – in your mind?
What would it be like to become present more often?
What have you regretted in your past? AND
Are there regrets that you can let go of and allow yourself to enjoy and/or experience fully what is going on right now?
Perhaps you can think of ways to be proactive and avoid future regrets.
If you feel inclined, please let me know if you decide to go ahead and try this experiment. I would love to hear about your experiences. Your feedback and comments have been most welcomed:-) Keep them coming!!
**NOTE: 1 spot left: Laser Coaching Program - 42 CEU's and Mentor Group 6 CEUs per month - See below
Very best regards,
marion@lifecoachinggroup.com
© 2004-07. All rights reserved. Marion Franklin, www.lifecoachinggroup.com
Comments? Feedback? lllfeedback@lifecoachinggroup.com
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