One of the most interesting things about strategies is that they are so pervasive, we hardly realize that we may be living our lives based on one or more.
Think about women (typically) who are so busy taking care of others that they seemingly do not have time to take care of themselves and their needs. This is often a strategy to avoid self-care.
How many times have you participated in a group and noticed the dynamics emerge. One person usually speaks first and one person usually waits to be last (others in the middle). This is a strategy. Usually, we don't consciously create them. They stem from some underlying thinking process or idea. Possible reasons for creating the strategy:
-- If I speak first, I will have it out of the way.
-- If I speak first, I won't be called on when I don't know the answer.
-- If I wait until the end, I can hear what other people say before I have to share.
-- Hopefully, I will not have to share if I wait long enough, etc.
Many years ago I worked with a client who lived with major clutter – particularly in his office and on his desk. Rather than addressing how to deal with the mess, we looked into the reason that the mess was there in the first place. It turned out it was his way of avoiding success! He invented a strategy that could 'justify' his failure. These things don't necessarily happen on a conscious level. Clearly, they are illogical and make no sense.
Yet, our deep down reasoning and beliefs help to create strategies so that we can cope and 'get by' without having to confront our deepest thoughts, beliefs, and ideas. Once we realize that we have created a strategy and are willing to face what is really going on, the forward moving progress can be phenomenal.
A typical strategy people employ is to wait until…
I take more courses; I have a degree; I have more time; I have more money, etc. These are just strategies to avoid something we fear – and they are deep rooted in beliefs such as: "I am not capable; or perhaps, I really don't want to do this." Instead of being honest with ourselves, we create a strategy to justify our behavior.
The most common strategy is will power. If I just stop eating carbs (or go on a diet), I will lose weight. How long does that last? Because it is a strategy and doesn't address the underlying problem, such as, a different self-image, it is only temporary. The underlying reasons for eating have not been faced. Oftentimes, we are compensating for something we don't have but really want, such as love.
A while ago, I worked with a client who wanted to be thought of as a 'nice guy.' He allowed his mother-in-law (whom he disliked) to live with him and his family. In this case, his strategy of being a nice guy was actually a way for him to feel better about himself and it cost him a lot of misery. He appeared to be the 'hero' while resenting everyone around him and not being true to himself.
Strategies are not necessarily harmful. For example, meditation, focus, and confronting fears are some strategies that can help us move through life. It is the intention behind them. If your intention is to grow, evolve, move past your fears, and become more secure, the strategies will serve you. If they are created to avoid, escape, compensate, or distract, they will only reinforce what you already have/ or contribute further to your not having.
INVITATION TO EXPERIMENT
Think about the way you live your life. Is there something that you do that is preventing you from getting what you really want? Are you going to work, coming home and sitting in front of the TV? Perhaps you are avoiding conversation and connection with family? Is some aspect of your life not the way you want it? Perhaps you have created a strategy to avoid something; perhaps to escape; possibly you compensate by overdoing something and not enough of something else?
Most likely, this will take some quiet, in-depth thinking. We don't usually realize that we may have created a strategy instead of facing the truth.
If you feel inclined, please let me know if you decide to go ahead and try this experiment. I would love to hear about your experiences. Your feedback and comments have been most welcomed:-) Keep them coming!!
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Very best regards,
marion@lifecoachinggroup.com
© 2004-06. All rights reserved. Marion Franklin, www.lifecoachinggroup.com
Comments? Feedback? lllfeedback@lifecoachinggroup.com
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