One of the greatest gifts we can give to someone doesn't require wrapping. We don't have to go anywhere to get it. It is always guaranteed to be available.
Listening….
As human beings, one of the things that all of us need and crave is to be heard.
Deep listening is miraculous for both listener and speaker. When someone receives us with open-hearted, non-judging, intensely interested listening, our spirits expand. Sue Patton Thoele
Unfortunately in our busy lives, rather than take advantage of this gift we can give at any time, the tendency is to take short cuts, multi-task, or get caught up in our own lives and minds.
Listening in a literal sense is very different from hearing. It is not about hearing the spoken words. It is about giving your undivided attention and focus entirely to another person. It is about listening with the mind AND heart. It is clean, objective and ego free.
-- When listening to a friend, where does your mind go?
-- Does your mind wander off as you fill in the story or jump to conclusions?
-- And when it comes time to speak, do you often share an opinion or story about yourself?
While someone is speaking, ideas and thoughts (whether relevant or not) are triggered and distract us from listening. When our minds wander while listening, or we try to do something at the same time, or we notice something with our eyes, we are distracted. In that moment, we may be hearing but we are not truly listening.
If a friend shares a story about her mother not feeling well again, typically, we would say something like "Sorry to hear that." When truly listening, we might respond by saying "Are you concerned about her health?"
When someone shares that he is so busy at work, he can barely catch up. A response we often hear is "I know what you mean, I'm so busy and feel the same way." A 'listening' response might be "It never feels good when work is so overwhelming."
Listening defined: unconditional presence; to be receptive without judgment or expectation; to put aside our own needs and concerns. Listening integrates an attitude of curiosity; a desire to understand; to experience life from the other perspective.
One of my clients was complaining because she was so overwhelmed at work. Not sure how to prioritize because there was so much pressure from her boss and her boss's superior to finish reports and a project on a similar deadline.
When she approached her boss and expressed anxiety and needing some help prioritizing, her boss simply said "That report is due at 8am Monday morning. So, whatever it takes, have it on my desk."
Needless to say, my client felt discouraged and more overwhelmed. Imagine if instead her boss had said, "I can understand your feeling overwhelmed. It's difficult when both Bob and I expect something at the same time. However, I really do need the report by Monday at 8am.
While it wouldn't have changed the result, it would have changed my client's attitude. She would have at least felt understood and heard. That alone goes a LONG way!
A while ago, I discovered that someone had stolen (copied exactly) two of my website pages word for word. I was very upset and shared that with an e-mail group. One of the responses basically implied "Get over it. People steal things every day and your words are not unique."
It totally missed the point. There was no listening. I had expressed that I felt violated and disappointed. There was no acknowledgment of where I was coming from. A response representing listening might have been, "I can only imagine how disconcerting this experience must be." ANYTHING that first lets a person know that they have been understood allows space for differing opinions and thoughts.
INVITATION TO EXPERIMENT:
Notice in your conversations whether you are hearing someone vs. listening. It may mean stopping what you are doing to offer your undivided attention. It may mean letting your thoughts or ideas go.
Also, take note when you are in conversations what it feels like when you feel understood and listened to… how it feels when someone 'gets' what you are saying.
If you feel inclined, please let me know if you decide to go ahead and try this experiment. I would love to hear about your experiences. Your feedback and comments have been most welcomed:-) Keep them coming!!
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Very best regards,
marion@lifecoachinggroup.com
© 2004-06. All rights reserved. Marion Franklin, www.lifecoachinggroup.com
Comments? Feedback? lllfeedback@lifecoachinggroup.com
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