When I was in High School, one of my favorite but mostly unknown songs was Triangle and the only line that I remember now is: "Which one will have the broken heart?"
In many situations where a triangle exists, someone inevitably loses or gets left out.
Even though we may know this intellectually, we tend to triangulate (create a triangular relationship) without recognizing the consequences. Often we want to place blame or interfere in a situation where it is inappropriate to do so.
Many years ago, I had a coaching client who took a workshop from another coach. That coach, based on the little bit of information she received from my client, recommended that my client look for a new job. (At least that was my client's interpretation.) This, in my opinion, was not appropriate at that moment in time based on all of the information that I knew.
My first reaction was to contact this coach and let her know how irresponsible and inappropriate her advice had been. Aside from feeling better after venting, in the end, not much would have been accomplished. I realized how irrelevant and unhelpful that would be. It would not have helped my client in any way. It was much more important for me to discuss with my client how she wanted to proceed. There was no need or purpose to create a triangle.
I heard on the news that a woman learned that her boyfriend had impregnated another woman. She sought out the pregnant woman and shot her. With whom should she have been angry? Clearly, if she had to be angry with someone, it should have been her boyfriend. She is still in relationship with him and needs to resolve her feelings and her anger. By shooting the pregnant woman, she didn't impact her current relationship with her boyfriend in terms of getting what she really wants – his love, attention, etc.
My friend sold her house and had many unpleasant conversations with the new buyers. She was angry with her attorney for not handling things more efficiently and yet blamed the buyers for all of the bad feelings she experienced. Her attorney did not do a good job of representing and protecting her and that is where the conversation needed to occur.
So often, we triangulate relationships unnecessarily. It does not help our situation at all. If we go directly to the person with whom we can have the most impact or get what we want, then it makes sense to avoid dragging a third person into the picture.
INVITATION TO EXPERIMENT
Think of a situation where you got upset or angry with someone.
Was that the person who triggered the anger?
Were you blaming someone who couldn't have any impact on your feelings or affect your results?
When a situation arises where you are feeling angry or hurt, notice who you want to blame. Is it the person who triggered the problem or is it a third person?
Example: We call customer service and get irate because the product does not work. The customer service rep is NOT the person to be angry with – it is the person who can help us get to the right person or adjust the situation, but he/she is not the reason there is a problem.
The next time you are angry or annoyed, take a moment to figure out if your feelings and thoughts are directed at the responsible party. Then, rather than involving a third person, resolve those feelings in a conversation with the responsible party.
If you feel inclined, please let me know if you decide to go ahead and try this experiment. I would love to hear about your experiences. Your feedback and comments have been most welcomed:-) Keep them coming!!
ALSO - PLEASE SEND ANY TOPIC SUGGESTIONS FOR UPCOMING NEWSLETTERS!
Very best regards,
marion@lifecoachinggroup.com
© 2004-06. All rights reserved. Marion Franklin, www.lifecoachinggroup.com
Comments? Feedback? lllfeedback@lifecoachinggroup.com
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