Every human being makes judgments. We do it all day long whether we want to or not. We know it's not a 'good thing' and yet, we can't help having ideas and opinions about things that we see, hear, or experience.
While many people have a need to be 'right,' and/or can't handle being perceived as 'wrong,' this lesson is actually about how we impose our ideas and judgments on other people without realizing that we are doing it. Typically, we are not aware as to how it comes across.
Recently I was in a conversation about the weather and home heating bills. I mentioned that I had already used my electric blanket. As soon as I said that, I heard "You have got to be kidding! It's not that cold! I can't believe that you actually used it already." The way that response came across to me, it sounded like: "You are crazy. There must be something wrong with you that you already needed your electric blanket."
The natural response is to defend our actions, but when we think about it, someone expressing their unsolicited opinion doesn't really warrant any comment and should not hold us back from moving on as if nothing was said.
I noticed how easily I perceived that as a judgment. No matter how it was intended, it sounded to me as though there was an opinion. Yet, it's ironic that when the shoe is on the other foot, it doesn't seem as obvious.
One of my friends rarely returns phone calls in what I consider a 'timely' fashion. So in a discussion, I said "I always return calls within 24 hours maximum and I would appreciate if you would do the same. Why is it that when I call and leave a message you don't respond for several days?"
Actually, when I thought it through I was saying: "Why can't you be more like me? Why can't you do it my way? (implying the 'right' way).
The response:
Everyone has a different style; a different way of doing things; a different timeframe. It doesn't make the person 'wrong' – and we don't necessarily have to like it. However, it definitely does not make our way 'right' or better. It may be right for us but that doesn't make it right for someone else.
It was in this answer that I 'got' the lesson. It's one that I haven't totally embraced just yet, but I'm working on it…..
One of my clients announced that he was applying to graduate school for a specific social work program. In my opinion, it wasn't the program that I would have chosen and I thought he had better options. The application was already submitted and he was excited and hoping to get into the program. I realized that I had to let go of my unsolicited opinion because it was moot at that point. Even though I thought his choice was 'wrong,' that's irrelevant. My judgment and/or opinion is just that. It doesn't make someone else wrong and it doesn't make me right.
INVITATION TO EXPERIMENT
Notice when you have an opinion or judgment.
Do you think that the other person is wrong?
Do you think that you are right?
What about when someone tells you that your way of doing something is not the best way. Does that make you wrong?
We need to be open to the fact that people do things in a way that they believe to be best for themselves. Yes, we need to be open to improving and changing, but opinions and judgments really don’t help. What can help are suggestions or ideas that are offered as an invitation with total neutrality. And more importantly, with NO attachment to the outcome. That way, it comes from an impartial place and we can consider the idea(s) and see if it fits for us.
If you feel inclined, please let me know if you decide to go ahead and try this experiment. I would love to hear about your experiences. Your feedback and comments have been most welcomed:-) Keep them coming!!
Very best regards,
marion@lifecoachinggroup.com
© 2004-06. All rights reserved. Marion Franklin, www.lifecoachinggroup.com
Comments? Feedback? lllfeedback@lifecoachinggroup.com
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