"No one can give you freedom but you."
Byron Katie, author of Loving What Is
We spend so much of our time wishing and hoping that situations will improve or get easier, or that other people will change for the better. We want so much to feel happy and content and yet most of our time is spent on wanting things to be different than how they are.
We wish things like:
- "If only my boss would give me praise once in a while."
- "Wouldn't it be great if I could feel comfortable instead of feeling like I don’t really belong."
- "I wish they would care about my opinion and what I have to say."
- "I want him to make more time in his schedule to see me more often."
All of these examples are the types of thoughts we have that keep us from being happy and content with what is actually going on – that is, our reality. In some ways, this is similar to P.O.V. (see http://home.ezezine.com/23_2 Point of View) but it is different in that this looks at ways and reasons to let go of them and end the 'suffering.'
This material is based on Byron Katie's "Loving What Is" and what she calls "The Work." In essence, we look at how these thoughts negatively influence our behaviors and ideas and how we can change them by looking at what's going on inside of us instead of focusing externally.
Client example(s):
A client comes to the call quite upset. She is about to get married and spends a great deal of time with her fiancé's family. Although, individually, they are very loving and supportive, when they are all together, they treat her like an outsider. It's only when she is alone with any one of them, that they genuinely seem to embrace and respect her.
Another client talked about feeling rejected and attacked while participating in a group where he shared his opinion. He did not agree with anyone else and his contribution and opinion was not accepted or acknowledged by the group.
Essentially, they are saying "Why can't they just accept me as I am and treat me with respect all the time?" OR generically: "Why can't things be different from what they are?"
That is the cause of our suffering – wanting things to be different than how they are. So how can we let go of what is causing the suffering?
The following are NOT rhetorical but profound questions, so we need to actually pause and ask ourselves….
* What would it be like if I didn't have that thought?
* How would I show up (what attitude or disposition) if I didn't think that way?
* What would it feel like if I didn't believe that to be true?
After asking the clients these questions, answers reflected things like:
I would feel much freer.
I would show up more fully.
I would love to spend time with them.
I would feel as though I'm accepted.
The natural follow up question – So, what if you showed up (entered the situation) feeling as though you were accepted? While others might not do anything differently, you would feel okay because their actions wouldn't dictate how you feel about being in their presence. It's only your thoughts that keep you from enjoying and acknowledging the experience as it is – that is - the reality of the situation.
While it may seem like 'words' that are easy to say – think of how much time and 'suffering' goes into wishing and hoping that it would be different from how it is. The only thing stopping these clients from showing up more fully is an idea that may or may not be true.
INVITATION TO EXPERIMENT:
Think of someone or something you would like to be different.
- What if you believed that you would never get the attention or approval or praise you have been seeking?
- What if you knew that a person or situation would never be different from how it is?
How would that affect your presence? Your thinking?
- What if you just simply accepted – or even embraced - the reality of the situation as it is?
What would your attitude be like? How much energy would be freed up?
- What would it be like to not have that yearning?
(For more information about Byron Katie and "The Work" - http://www.byronkatie.com or http://www.thework.com)
Very best regards,
marion@lifecoachinggroup.com
© 2004-06. All rights reserved. Marion Franklin, www.lifecoachinggroup.com
Comments? Feedback? lllfeedback@lifecoachinggroup.com
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