Love Story (1970 movie) –starring Ryan O’Neal and Allie MacGraw.
TAGLINE: ‘Love means never having to say you're sorry . . .’
Unfortunately, knowing that you are sorry about how something you said or did upset someone and not acknowledging it (just because you love them) causes damage to the relationship. When there are bad feelings, an apology is necessary and can only be effective if it is genuinely sincere and uncomplicated.
- If you apologize because it seems like a good thing to do at the time or because you believe it’s the only way to salvage the relationship, it shows through.
- If you don’t want to believe that something you have said or done has caused harm despite the other person expressing hurt feelings, it doesn’t work well.
- If you can’t imagine why someone feels badly about something you have said or done, the tendency is to not properly acknowledge the other person’s feelings, thus leading to a rift in the relationship.
Whether or not we agree or even understand why someone feels hurt or upset, if we care about the relationship (the person), we need to express how sorry we are that bad feelings exist.
Oftentimes, people believe that by explaining the reasons why they behaved or spoke in a particular way will help to satisfy and smooth out the other person’s feelings. It’s as if our explanation is a justification, and therefore we feel excused. Usually, as soon as we explain anything around the ‘why’ it happened, we’re in trouble. In essence, we are making the entire "I’m sorry" null and void. Explanations tend to bypass someone’s feelings and make the apology about us instead of keeping the focus on the other person.
The most common way that we apologize for something that has hurt or angered someone is by saying ‘I’m sorry.’ Sometimes we skip that phrase and go right into explaining why. Other times, we say ‘I’m sorry’ and then get into the explanation defending our action. We want to explain and give reasons to show that we were justified in our behavior.
Example: I meant to call you but I got so busy and then my car broke down and by the time I got home, it was too late. Instead of: I feel badly that I didn’t call and I can understand how disappointed you are. Lots of bad feelings can be avoided before they escalate by first acknowledging them.
Jay Leno aired a sketch that upset a viewer and following a letter he received, he called her and simply said: `Hello, this is Jay Leno. I'm calling about the letter you wrote and I want to apologize. I just want to let you know we make mistakes sometimes and we don't mean to hurt people.'
We can bet that the woman felt heard, understood, and most likely very forgiving despite how upset she had been.
Why?
Because. . . . he let her know that he was truly sorry and didn’t intend harm AND he took responsibility for his actions. Typically, that’s ALL people need to forgive someone or at the very least begin the process of letting go of the outrage and intense feelings. Had he said something like: ‘I’m sorry. We really meant no harm but thought we could bring humor to this situation so don’t take it personally, she would have probably become more upset. He would have been telling her HOW she should feel and justifying why he did what he did…. NOT what she needed at that moment in time.
INVITATION TO EXPERIMENT:
Notice the next time someone apologizes to you. Does it seem sincere? Is there some explanation getting in the way? By noting how you receive it, it will help you when the situation is in reverse. The next time you discover that someone feels badly because of something that happened between you, apologize with sincerity and be willing to let go of the reasons why you did what you did. If anything, that will strengthen respect and keep the relationship in tact.
If you feel inclined, please let me know if you decide to go ahead and try this experiment. I would love to hear about your experiences. Your feedback and comments have been most welcomed:-) Keep them coming!!
Very best regards,
marion@lifecoachinggroup.com
© 2004-06. All rights reserved. Marion Franklin, www.lifecoachinggroup.com
Comments? Feedback? lllfeedback@lifecoachinggroup.com
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