How would you feel if a casual friend went to go into your pocket, removed your wallet, and counted your money?

When was the last time...

• someone asked you to do something that you didn’t have the time or desire to do but felt compelled to say yes anyway?
• someone said something that offended you and you remained quiet?
• someone stood too close and you felt uncomfortable and needed to step back?

These are examples of your boundaries being invaded or crossed. So, what exactly is a boundary? By definition, a boundary is a way to protect ourselves from emotional or physical harm by others. Boundaries are about other people affecting our well-being and we need to know clearly ‘what’s okay/ what’s not okay’ FOR US. No two people have the exact same boundaries since we have different thresholds, different tolerance levels, and different values.

Healthy boundaries help us to experience a comfortable interdependence with other people. A person with no boundaries is unable to prevent unwanted intrusions and may be unaware of ways to set them. The most common reasons for saying yes or allowing something that isn’t okay is the fear of rejection, not being liked, disappointing someone, or it seems easier to say yes.

Picture yourself in a field feeling totally free – Imagine surrounding yourself with a fence, bushes, or a moat. The space between you and your imaginary circle is your sacred space and no one may invade that space – no matter what. As soon as someone tries to enter your sacred space, they are crossing your boundary. That’s why when you wind up saying yes when you really mean no, it feels awful. People may cross your boundary line because they are insensitive or more likely are not aware of it.

Samples of personal boundaries:

• You are standing too close for my comfort zone
• I don’t have time to complete that
• I’m not able to pick up your groceries
• I can’t stay late
• I am uncomfortable when people touch me
• I’m not okay with offensive language

You are entitled to change your mind, make mistakes, say ‘I don’t know’, ask for more time, and not offer excuses to justify your decisions. Eventually, you will want to aim to expand your safe space and keep ‘bad behaviors’ even further away from you.

There are many hooks that get us to ignore boundaries for fear of negative consequences, such as:

‘"If I give the relationship enough time, things will change.
Actually, it is OK to set time limits in relationships.

I believe I have to think and act in ways that will preserve the relationship no matter what toll it may take.
Actually, you are not responsible for the actions of your partner.

I am willing to forgo money, friends, and/or self-respect for the sake of the relationship.
Actually, the truth is that your personal worth is not dependent upon anyone else.

STEPS for setting boundaries: I was in a phone conversation with a relative who was heated up about a situation and raised her voice. Very matter of factly, (INFORM) I let her know that as long as she was raising her voice, I would not continue the conversation. She continued yelling. (REQUEST) I stopped her and said, I’m asking you to stop yelling or I can’t continue speaking with you. Again, a few sentences later, she started yelling. (CONSEQUENCE) I then let her know that if she insists upon yelling, I will have to hang up the phone. You guessed it…. When she was yelling again, I simply said, "I’m now hanging up the phone." (FOLLOW-THROUGH)

These steps are sufficient to make your point and to feel safe. You may choose to skip ‘request’ but you can’t skip letting people know what your boundary is and if it’s violated what the consequence will be and then follow through.

Initially, it’s uncomfortable to set boundaries. People are surprised that suddenly you are articulating what’s not acceptable. Oftentimes, we feel guilty as if we are doing something wrong by protecting ourselves and setting limits. I usually recommend that you start with little boundaries and work up to the ‘bigger’ ones. When you have to set a big boundary (i.e. a planned confrontation), speak with a supportive friend beforehand and have that same friend available afterwards to help discuss the outcome.

You can choose possibly feeling guilty because you are not accommodating someone OR you may choose to do what is requested (or allow something not acceptable) and feel resentful, victimized, or angry.

INVITATION TO EXPERIMENT:
What is a situation where you felt violated or crossed? Where do you need to set some boundaries? The first step is to get clear around what is not acceptable and then let people know as appropriate. Follow up with a request, instruction, or warning. Create a consequence and follow through when the boundary is again violated.


If you feel inclined, please let me know if you decide to go ahead and try this experiment. I would love to hear about your experiences. Your feedback and comments have been most welcomed:-) Keep them coming!!

Very best regards,


marion@lifecoachinggroup.com
© 2004-06. All rights reserved. Marion Franklin, www.lifecoachinggroup.com
Comments? Feedback? lllfeedback@lifecoachinggroup.com

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