Someone can intentionally send emotional poison, and if you don’t take it personally, you will not eat it. When you don’t take the emotional poison, it becomes even worse in the sender, but not in you.
Don Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements

   From the familiar "I guess I wasn’t qualified for the job" to the "What have I done wrong?" we consistently wonder how could we have done things differently. Why is it that someone didn’t choose us? How come after I told someone a better way, they chose to ignore my great advice? I could probably come up with zillions of examples of the same principle. It’s almost inevitable that whatever happens (good or bad), human beings want to believe that whatever is going on is all about us. In truth, it’s NEVER about us. While it FEELS as though it’s ABOUT us – it is actually NEVER about us. We may be the trigger or the object but in truth, it’s ALWAYS about the person who holds the feeling.

   If it’s not about us, then who is it about?

   To further explain, here’s a detailed example of how we get trapped into thinking it’s about us. One of my single clients was telling me about a guy she met at a party. She was all excited because they had some really great discussions and she was feeling as though they had really connected. At the end of the evening, she asked him if he would like to meet again. He answered that he wasn’t interested. Somewhat surprised and dismayed, she left the party feeling dejected, rejected, and wondering… Was it something I said? Perhaps he wasn’t attracted to me? What could have gone wrong? Several days later when talking with another friend, she found out that the guy is gay and therefore would not have been interested in pursuing a romantic relationship.

   Another typical example is when someone doesn’t get a specific job they want. The first thought is "I’m not qualified" or "I messed up on the interview", etc. In actuality, the company may have been looking to hire a mature, assertive female who could deal with the difficult manager of the department. As a young male going for that position, while it would never be stated, there was no chance for that particular spot no matter how great the resume and interview. Of course, in some cases, we aren’t the best person for a particular job – but it’s not because there is something ‘wrong’ with us; it could be as simple as we didn’t meet the need that was sought.

   What does this tell us? Whatever happens (good or bad) is not about us. By taking things personally and going straight to "What did I do?" or "My advice was so helpful" or taking on an emotion such as guilt, it only serves to create distress on our part. In every instance, no matter what we have or haven’t done, the other person has specific needs (i.e. to be on time, to avoid interruptions, to look smart), and so in reality, it’s about that person and their need.

What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When we really see people as they are without taking it personally, we can never be hurt by what they say or do.
Don Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements

INVITATION TO EXPERIMENT:
Think of a time when someone got angry with you. The angry person expressed his/her anger and it FELT as though it was about you. In actuality, you were the object of the anger (possibly the trigger for their feeling) but this is actually about the person who holds the anger expressing himself or herself. When you can OBSERVE a situation that feels as though it’s about you or directed at you, and not take on the feelings, only then can you get a different and open perspective. Instead of feeling wounded, guilty, rejected, etc. you will most likely feel a tremendous sense of freedom and liberation. The next time your mind jumps to "What have I done wrong?" STOP – examine the source and observe the person or situation and notice how it’s really about what is going on for them. (This doesn’t mean that you would want to do it the same way next time.)
Keep in mind:

• It’s about not being responsible for someone else’s feelings.
• It’s about not taking it personally and not letting their emotion affect you.

If you feel inclined, please let me know if you decide to go ahead and try this experiment. I would love to hear about your experiences. Your feedback and comments have been most welcomed:-) Keep them coming!!

Very best regards,


marion@lifecoachinggroup.com
© 2004-06. All rights reserved. Marion Franklin, www.lifecoachinggroup.com
Comments? Feedback? lllfeedback@lifecoachinggroup.com

P.S. See below under new and exciting: Check out http://renew-yourself.com WOMEN'S RETREAT WEEKEND in New York and Become a Coach course (one spot left!).
P.P.S. If you enjoyed this issue, I'd love it if you'd spread the word. Do so by forwarding this to a friend and inviting them to subscribe at the Life's Little Lessons link. Thank you for continuing to read Life's Little Lessons

Any relationship conflicts you want to discuss: family? friend? co-worker? boss? employee? Take advantage of a 30-minute complimentary phone discussion around any area of your life where you are feeling challenged.

Women's Retreat Weekend - REnew-Yourself
Leave the mind clutter and chaos behind. A renewed you -- impacts all that you do. REnew-yourself.com Check out the website.
People say it's "calming." See the beautiful country setting on a lake only 45 mins. from NY city.( April 29-30) All meals included.

Sali Taylor and I are really excited about all that we have planned to make this a relaxing, refreshing, and 'get away from it all' weekend. We will have a chocolate dipping fondue, time in nature, an inspirational/no talent art project, a discussion around women's needs, optional yoga, and mostly CONNECTION and FUN!

BECOME a COACH course - Unique, 36-hour Jump Start! One spot remains.
Rather than investing lots of time and money, check out this unique, highly effective JUMP START! program. Whether you are new or have had previous training, this course will provide confidence and masterful techniques.
Customized, flexible timing, VERY small groups - HOW TO Coach - 12 weeks (2x wk) by telephone. STARTING: March. Check website for details and unsolicited testimonials.
Your BECOME a Coach program was an eye-opener. I learned solid skills and the in's and out's of starting a coaching business... all in a matter of a few months. It is one of the most effective and intensive programs out there. The ROI was completely worth it! I owe it to you for giving me a jump start in my coaching business. Sunny Wu

Coach With Confidence! -- Practicum Mentor Group
Ways to build your confidence and coaching skills:
JOIN the group at any time and stay for as little as 4 weeks or as long as you like - Wednesdays - ICF CEU's available

CHOOSE EITHER 3:30pm ET (12:30pm PT) or 8:30pm ET (5:30pm PT)
Maximum 8 participants so act quickly to secure your spot!
ICF Core Competencies CEU's available
-*-Want a place to share your client challenges and ask questions?
-*-Feeling a bit insecure about your coaching?
-*-Need a safe place to practice and get supervision?
-*-Want to keep deepen and lengthen client relationships?
Contact me or click this link for details.

**FREEBIE**
Top 10 Ways to Know If You Are Getting Great Value From Your Coach

---

Workshops E-Book Alone or NEW OPTION: Book PLUS 5-hour RealAudio of Workshop Class based on the book.

An easy to follow step-by-step guide that ensures success even if you've never done a workshop before.

Please check out: "http://www.successfulworkshops.com"
The book has been written with the "I'm not sure where to begin, How do I time it?, It's too daunting" person in mind and definitely includes plenty of examples, tips, and tricks for experienced workshop presenters as well. All you have to do is plug in your topic (or one of the 3 topics from the book) and follow the seven steps and you will be ready to go.