When children have temper tantrums or cry for no apparent reason, it’s fairly obvious that there is something they want or need. Because they can’t necessarily articulate what it is they truly need, they act out in a dramatic way – If they see a toy and carry on, it could mean that they are bored and need to be occupied.
Ironically, adults do something very similar. The difference is that when adults are not getting their deeper underlying need met or are harboring unexpressed emotion, we create subtle behaviors that are usually unattractive and stem from a subconscious level. Typically, we are not aware of the underlying emotion or need that is not being fully met; we only know that something doesn’t seem exactly right. Negative behaviors may not lead to what we want but rather may actually repel people.
Every human being has survival needs (i.e. air, shelter) and everyone has personal needs.
Examples of some of our deepest needs may include:
Personal needs are not often thought about because most often, we don’t know what they are and how important they are to our feeling content. The clues lie in how we express a feeling of lack regarding those needs which manifests as negative behaviors.
An example: A client was upset that her friend hadn’t given her specific information that she felt should have been shared. Instead of realizing and acknowledging that she was angry or hurt by this omission, she became curt and unaccommodating not realizing that she was feeling a lot more than anger. She had no way of knowing just how bothered she was until this ‘negative behavior’ showed up which then clued her that there was more going on beneath the surface. We discovered that she was feeling undervalued – as if she wasn’t important enough to have received the information. The ‘bad’ part about this wasn’t related to the information, it was the ‘acting out’ behavior that got triggered. Had she been able to figure out the underlying, unfilled need (feeling valued) and express it, a mature conversation may have ensued.
The good news about recognizing the underlying and unfilled needs is that we can find healthy, positive ways to get them met. It starts with noticing the behavior and questioning "Exactly what is it that I really need?" Once we identify the need, then we could express it, discuss it, or perhaps ask for it.
One of my favorite lines from Cheryl Richardson (Life Makeover Coach on Oprah) is "Why would you go to the hardware store for milk?" In other words, why would you choose or expect a certain person to fill your need when in fact, they are unwilling or incapable? When we do so, we get annoyed and frustrated when in actuality, we haven’t chosen an appropriate person to meet the particular need. Example: You are feeling upset and distressed and seeking a good listener who can offer sympathy and compassion and you choose a person who is typically cold and aloof. More than likely, there is someone more appropriate that could naturally meet your need.
Common examples: People who need harmony usually avoid conflicts. People who need to be liked may give gifts or compliments unnecessarily. A common example is someone who ‘fishes for compliments.’ They do everything they can to get you to say something nice. In actuality, their underlying need may be for praise, admiration, approval, or simply acknowledgment. Once recognized, we no longer have to display the negative behaviors – perhaps we can ask for what we need or seek out someone who naturally lavishes praise. And in reverse, when we notice someone’s unmet need through his/her behavior, we can help to fill it.
INVITATION TO EXPERIMENT:
While it takes practice and self-awareness to recognize our negative or ‘less than attractive’ behaviors, it behooves us to think about the unmet, underlying need creating the behavior. Behaviors may be subtle – put downs, acting snippy, manipulating, controlling, wisecracking, withdrawing, etc. Once identified, we could ask friends to fill the need at opportune times or we can surround ourselves with people who support us and naturally fill our needs.
If you feel inclined, please let me know if you decide to go ahead and try this experiment. I would love to hear about your experiences. Your feedback and comments have been most welcomed:-) Keep them coming!!
Very best regards,
marion@lifecoachinggroup.com
© 2004-06. All rights reserved. Marion Franklin, www.lifecoachinggroup.com
Comments? Feedback? lllfeedback@lifecoachinggroup.com
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