The hatred you're carrying is a live coal in your heart - far more damaging to yourself than to them. Lawana Blackwell, The Dowry of Miss Lydia Clark
"A growing body of evidence shows that nursing a grudge can make you sick. Harboring negative thoughts about someone restricts blood flow, decreases oxygen consumption and throws your immune and gastrointestinal system out of whack. You may never forget how your ex dumped you, but you will sleep better, be more energetic and be happier if you can put it behind you," says Boston psychiatrist Dr. Ned Hallowell.
By definition forgiveness means: To cease to feel resentment against
The most common expression around forgiveness that I’ve heard involves the phrase "forgive but don’t forget." For the longest time, I could not truly grasp the meaning of that. What is the difference, I wondered, and how does a person actually do that?
The distinction is actually quite clear, once you actually go through the process. Our memory will not let us forget all of the hurt, pain, or wrongdoing that we believe we endured at some point in our lives. We want to be able to recall it because we need to remind and protect ourselves from allowing the pain to ever enter our lives again in the same way.
Forgiveness, on the other hand, is really about putting behind us the ideas regarding pain that we’ve endured. It’s about changing our views and attitude around the person that we believe was responsible for causing us pain. How do we do that when the anger and the resentment and the pain still comes to mind when we think of what happened in the past?
The fist step is to want to stop having the painful memories flood our thoughts and remind us of who caused it and what happened. Interestingly, part of understanding the process is to admit that we ALLOWED the pain to invade our thoughts. Yes, there are people who hurt us or say or do harmful things, but in actuality, we play a role in that. If we wouldn’t be receptive to feeling the pain, all of the words and harm would occur as though we were listening and watching – rather than feeling it.
If you are walking down the street and a total stranger walks up to you and says "I think your outfit and your hairstyle look terrible" we might wonder if that person is on drugs or crazy or weird. It would seem so out of left field – so inappropriate – so inconsequential. Why? Because we have no connection or trust in this person – Whatever they say to us has little value or meaning.
Forgiveness is about letting go – letting go of the anger, the ideas that you hold in your mind about the person or event. It doesn’t mean that you can just ‘drop it’ but it does mean that you first have to recognize just how much energy is going towards keeping the bad memories alive. Even though we may believe that we are just fine while holding a grudge, there are mental and physical consequences. Forgiveness in the truest sense feels as though a burden or heavy weight has been lifted. It is very freeing and once it occurs, we realize just how much we were weighed down.
One helpful way to forgive is to look at the source of the pain and the person who inflicted it. The person may not be capable of behaving in ways other than harmful. It’s possible that their own pain and anguish may be so pervasive that they harm others as a way of communicating. Their capacity for love and acceptance may be removed from their thinking.
Another possibility is that people who cause harm do so with most everyone with whom they come in contact. This is not to say that misery loves company – but rather to show that this person may not know another way. Oftentimes, people don’t intend to harm but based on their beliefs and personal circumstances they make choices that hurt other people. While this does not diminish the pain that you feel, it does put it into a perspective that may make it easier to forgive.Recognizing that holding on may be hurting you physically or mentally may be impetus enough to choose to let go of the anger.
INVITATION TO EXPERIMENT:
Are you living with pain and anger or harmful memories? Are you ready and willing to let go of them? If so, first acknowledge that you are ready to do so and then look at what it is costing you and what good it’s doing to hold on so tightly to those memories. How is that serving you? What’s in it for you in holding on and not letting go? Once you find answers to these questions, you may never forget what has happened, but you may be able to forgive and feel the lightness that accompanies forgiveness.
If you feel inclined, please let me know if you decide to go ahead and try this experiment. I would love to hear about your experiences. Your feedback and comments have been most welcomed:-) Keep them coming!!
Very best regards,
marion@lifecoachinggroup.com
© 2004-05. All rights reserved. Marion Franklin, www.lifecoachinggroup.com
Comments? Feedback? lllfeedback@lifecoachinggroup.com
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