When we were children, we had no easy way of distinguishing between good and bad messages. Oftentimes, we hear stories about adults still playing one of those childhood messages received from a parent, teacher, or guidance counselor. Based on the adult’s comments, we still think things like: "I’m not very good at reading." "I’m not college material." "I’m not smart enough to become a doctor." As children, we take these statements personally and accept them as the truth thus believing that there is something wrong with us. Then we ‘grow up’ and unfortunately, many of us STILL play those tapes (sometimes very subconsciously) and still believe the message. Ironically, the people who made the comments would most likely not remember and have totally moved on with their lives. Unfortunately, we are still allowing the comment to affect us.
An example: One of my former clients was working as an entrepreneur running a fairly successful business. She had a few employees, but overall it was her business and her reputation. She was lamenting that she had trouble keeping her calendar straight, sometimes forgetting to write down appointments. Often, she was fed up with client’s attitudes and she would blow off meetings or not return phone calls promptly. Sometimes, she would let clients know that she felt they were too demanding. I pointed out that it seemed as though she was self-sabotaging her opportunity, and her potential for a truly successful business was in jeopardy. Looking at this premise, I asked one of those ‘key’ questions "Who would be upset if you were truly successful?" Her first response was the typical: "Nobody – everyone wants me to succeed." Upon further investigation, we discovered that she could remember her mother saying, "Women should not go into careers. They should stay home and take care of their families." Somehow, that message was still playing in my client’s subconscious and somewhere deep down, she believed it. Making this discovery and with further discussion, she could see how it had no truth or value at this point in her life, and she was able to let it go and see it as her mother’s belief. She then completely changed her attitude toward making her business a true success.
Another client told me the story of his guidance counselor suggesting, despite having good grades, that he focus more on shop classes. The implication was that he shouldn’t bother going to college. Fortunately, my client was so determined for so long to go to college that he was able to dismiss the comment. That probably would not have been true for many other students.
What was it at that moment in time that was going on with the adult that allowed them to make such a comment? In almost every case, we can bet it was an opinion based on a bias, a prejudice, something going on in their own life, perhaps a feeling of jealousy or frustration. It’s sad to think that a comment that actually reflects something that’s going on with another person can have such long-lasting harmful effects. As adults, we still encounter comments that disturb us. Yet, now we have the wherewithal to look at the source and realize the other person may be feeling fearful, angry, insecure, stuck, hurt, etc.
INVITATION TO EXPERIMENT:
What message might still be playing in your mind? Look at a place in your life where you are not as successful or happy as you would like to be. Perhaps you can recall a message from a long time ago that affected you – one that hurt or really disconcerted you. Was this really about YOU or was it really about the other person and a belief, feeling or opinion they were holding true at the time? You may want to consider asking yourself the ‘key’ question: Who would be upset if I was really… happy? thin? smart? successful?, etc. The natural first response is no one, but it could be someone who is harboring some emotion that you aren’t aware of or someone no longer alive or in your life. Now you can look insightfully at a past remark, see it for what it was, and move forward.
If you feel inclined, please let me know if you decide to go ahead and try this experiment. I would love to hear about your experiences. Your feedback and comments have been most welcomed:-) Keep them coming!!
Very best regards,
marion@lifecoachinggroup.com
© 2004-5. All rights reserved. Marion Franklin, www.lifecoachinggroup.com
Comments? Feedback? lllfeedback@lifecoachinggroup.com
P.S. At any point, you may take advantage of a 30-minute complimentary phone discussion around any area of your life where you are feeling challenged. We will choose a mutually agreeable day and time.
P.P.S. Thank you for continuing to read Life's Little Lessons
Please check out:
"http://www.successfulworkshops.com"
An easy to follow
step-by-step guide that ensures success even if you've never done a
workshop before.
The book has been written with the
"I'm not sure where to begin, How do I time it?, It's too daunting" person in mind and definitely includes plenty of examples, tips, and tricks for experienced workshop
presenters as well. All you have to do is plug in your topic (or one of the 3 topics from the book) and follow the seven steps and you will be ready to go.
LET'S
TALK! Join in every Wednesday at noon (ET) for
a compelling hour of conversation. Listen or participate as much as you wish.
TOPIC 8/31/05: How is gossip toxic?
FEEL FREE TO CALL IN (new number): 620-782-8200 PIN: 522225#
As usual, we'll start with dictionary definitions and then move FAR away into the provocative conversation.
FOR COACHES ONLY:
Coach
With Confidence and Practice Coaching Mentor Group - Now meeting Wednesday evenings
-*-Feeling a bit insecure about your coaching?
-*-Need a safe place to practice and get supervision?
-*-Want to keep clients for long periods of time?
Contact me or click this link for details.
*WANT TO BECOME A COACH? NEXT GROUP BEGINS 2nd week in SEPTEMBER: Gain Confidence and masterful techniques by getting a JUMP START!: Learn great skills and techniques not taught anywhere else and gain some serious confidence even as a new coach.
Class will meet twice per week by telephone for 12 weeks based on participant's schedule (small group for individualized attention)
-Feel free to contact me by e-mail or phone (on website) to discuss it further.