Sometimes, without realizing it, we jump into comparison mode as a way to measure (or we think it measures) how we’re doing. Note the commonality in the following statements? I’m finally taller than my brother. I got a lower grade in class than my best friend. My neighbor drives a fancier car than I do. Can you hear yourself saying "I can’t believe she can speak so many languages or I’m amazed at how quickly I wrote that report and finished before my teammates.
Every day, whether we do it consciously or not, we are comparing. How am I doing? How am I doing compared to… in any given area. The irony is that comparison rarely serves a positive purpose. It either makes us feel inferior or superior – of which neither is really true.
For the most part, we are raised to believe that grades are important, that wealth matters, and that as long as we can look around and see other people and how they are doing, we can assess how we are doing. When we look at TV, movies, and magazines and see all of the ‘beautiful’ people, our focus is usually misplaced. For many, it conjures up a feeling of inferiority. Yet, the next time you are in the supermarket, notice how many people look anything like a model.
An example of comparison serving as a negative: A client was lamenting after attending her college reunion that many of her former classmates are now extremely successful. When questioning what that meant, she said they had prestigious jobs, great incomes, and were making a difference in the world. For those of you who aren’t aware, when a client makes a statement, it is the coach’s job to probe further and find out what’s in the perception category and what’s the truth. So what seemed as other people doing far better than my client turned into an amazing realization. Upon further questioning and probing, I asked my client what she had accomplished since graduation. She responded with statements such as "I’m running a multi-million dollar company and have several employees." And upon further probing… "I’m in a very loving and supportive relationship and seriously contemplating marriage." And still probing for more… "I’m very passionate about conservation and ecology and doing everything I can to organize people to help keep our planet clean, recycle, consider solar power, etc."
Unfortunately, the above example is probably typical for most of us. When we look around us, we tend to look out – at those people who we believe have or do more. Yet, at any given moment, if we were to truthfully investigate, we would typically find that 50% of people are behind us and 50% are ahead of us. Oftentimes, there are far more behind us.
Many years ago, I remember driving up my driveway and thinking how fortunate I am to be living as I do. Shortly after that thought, my husband (at that time) commented about people that he knew who had just bought a new boat and others that bought a second home. It was then that I realized that the reason comparison can be so dangerous is that it keeps us from appreciating and realizing where we are in our lives. (as in the example with my client). This applies to many aspects and not necessarily material items. No matter what aspect: health, work, relationships, environment, at any given moment we could find about 50% of the population behind us in some way.
INVITATION TO EXPERIMENT:
Rather than looking around and focusing on what you don’t have, where you are not, where you could be, etc., I invite you to think about all of the things YOU have accomplished and acquired. If you want to compare, look at your life now vs. ten years ago (or last year). That’s a comparison that can be useful. We spend far too much time comparing ourselves to others instead of looking at and appreciating ourselves as individuals.
If you feel inclined, please let me know if you decide to go ahead and try this experiment. I would love to hear about your experiences. Your feedback and comments have been most welcomed:-) Keep them coming!!
Very best regards,
marion@lifecoachinggroup.com
© 2004-5. All rights reserved. Marion Franklin, www.lifecoachinggroup.com
Comments? Feedback? lllfeedback@lifecoachinggroup.com
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