As we add to our life experience, we have a tendency to spend more or less time with certain people – depending upon our needs and values at any given point. People that we used to love spending time with may no longer feel satisfying. We may gravitate towards new people or perhaps increase our time with someone whom we used to spend very little time. What’s going on?
The bottom line is that relationships fluctuate over time and that’s okay. When we think about it, it doesn’t make sense that a relationship will necessarily ‘stay the same.’ The individuals, and the relationship itself, changes and grows with life experience.
Personal examples:
I had a friend with whom I shared so many things and vice versa. We became very close and cherished the friendship. Over time, we were changing, and I noticed things that no longer aligned with my values. I started to openly question the things that didn’t feel right for me. I kept feeling as though I had to remain friends even though it sometimes seemed hypocritical. Then it occurred to me that if we continued to enjoy certain activities together (i.e. concerts or lectures), that would be enough.
With another friend, it was just the opposite. We got together when it worked in our schedules, but each time we were together, we noticed how invigorating our conversations were and how much we enjoyed our time. So I made a point of getting together more often and elevating the closeness of the relationship.
From these examples, it occurred to me that not only do relationships fluctuate, but also that I can make conscious choices about who, how often, and in what way I spend my time with someone. I realized that limiting or increasing my time and energy with one or another person makes sense. Accordingly, I began looking at all of my relationships and what I expected, needed, wanted from them. Below is a chart explaining the different levels, and from that, I can mentally choose where someone fits in (up or down depending on where I am in my life). Of course, this is not arbitrary as it takes two to be in any relationship.
| Level | Description | |
| TOP = Highest possible | Challenges you, supports your growth and well-being, uncritical, loving, and holds you to a high standard | |
| STANDARD = Most common | Status quo, sharing, accepts you as you are but doesn’t challenge you to be better | |
| BASIC = Acquaintance | Activity partner (walking, tennis), neighbor, co-worker, shopkeeper | |
| LOW = Undesirable | Negative, draining, difficult to be around, unpleasant |
Based on the personal examples above, I noticed one friend moved from Top to Standard to Basic and how that worked well for both of us. The expectations, disappointments, and challenges no longer got in the way. The other friend moved from Standard to Top because it fit for both of us. We do challenge each other to be our best, and we are willing to hold each other to a high standard – in a good way. Choosing certain people in our lives potentially allows us to be more productive, happier, and successful.
Looking at the levels, we may want to move people up or down – and actually stop associating with Low level people. Unfortunately, sometimes it’s a family person or a boss – in which case, we can realize where they fit in and know that higher expectations are probably fruitless. If we want to elevate a relationship (get closer), we can consider asking the following questions:
What are the things about our relationship that make it special for you?
What is it about our relationship that you would like to see improve?
This has the potential of deepening the friendship and opening the relationship to profound dialog.
INVITATION TO EXPERIMENT:
Perhaps it’s a good time to examine and change some of your relationships. Where do they fit in with where you are right now in your life? Do you need more support? Are these people capable of giving you what you need? If they accept you for who you are but don’t challenge you to be your best, do you want to make that different or leave it as is? Do you enjoy their company at certain times, in specific ways, and want to emphasize that aspect of the relationship? Are there people you want to include more often; others less often?
If you feel inclined, please let me know if you decide to go ahead and try this experiment. I would love to hear about your experiences. Your feedback and comments have been most welcomed:-) Keep them coming!!
Very best regards,
marion@lifecoachinggroup.com
© 2004. All rights reserved. Marion Franklin, www.lifecoachinggroup.com
Comments? Feedback? lllfeedback@lifecoachinggroup.com
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