Very often we hear things like "What a nice outfit" or "I really like your tie" or "Thanks so much for helping, we couldn’t have done it without you." And, what’s our usual response? Oh! This outfit – I got it on sale last year, it was a great bargain. Or, perhaps, "So glad I could help but I really didn’t do all that much." In each example, what we notice is how difficult it is to JUST SAY ‘Thank You’ or to accept thanks from other people.
What makes saying thank you without any qualifiers so difficult? What is it about being complimented that can make us so uncomfortable? A few personal examples that happened over the past few weeks inspired me to write about this topic. I had plans to go to a concert and dinner with a very long-term friend of mine (over 50 years!) and her husband. When we got to the box office, they insisted on paying for my concert ticket. I kept saying things like "This is not right. You shouldn’t pay for my ticket. There’s no reason for this." Finally, they said "Just say thank you." I was so embarrassed because I realized how foolish I sounded and yet, how uncomfortable I was at the idea of not paying for my own ticket. What I didn’t consider was how much pleasure they received in doing this gesture. The same thing happened again when we went to dinner. My first instinct was to fight for the check, etc. but I simply said, "Thank you so much. I truly appreciate this." I noticed how uneasy I felt but also how much more appreciative I was as I was taking this gift to heart.
Last week, a former client who is moving to the West Coast asked to meet for lunch before the final move. At the end of the lunch, she took the check and said "This is my way of saying thank you for all that you’ve done. If it hadn’t been for your coaching and the Personal Freedom course, I would never have had the guts to pick up and move and follow my dream. You truly opened me up to new possibilities and I’m so grateful." This time, tears came to my eyes, but I was smart enough to say, "Thank you so much. It has been my pleasure." She then actually told me how glad she was that I didn’t protest and take away from her joy of giving."
While it’s easy to know that we are ‘supposed’ to just say ‘thank you,’ too often we want to qualify or embellish our response. That uneasiness about receiving a compliment is likely due to a lack of self-esteem or self-confidence that doesn't allow us to believe that we are worthy. In the examples that I described above, I know there was a part of me that felt that I haven't really done anything and don’t deserve this. Why would we think that way? It makes no sense. Oftentimes I have given freely with no expectation, so it seems only natural that other people do the same.
INVITATION TO EXPERIMENT:
Consider paying attention to the responses you get when you compliment or treat someone. Notice how the protesting can take away from your joy of giving. More importantly, practice JUST SAYING "Thank You" when you are treated or complimented. At first it may seem uncomfortable, but you may discover that when we only say ‘thank you,’ we truly take in the compliment or the gift. It leaves a space for acceptance.
If you feel inclined, please let me know if you decide to go ahead and try this experiment. I would love to hear about your experiences. Your feedback and comments have been most welcomed:-) Keep them coming!!
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Very best regards,
marion@lifecoachinggroup.com
© 2004. All rights reserved. Marion Franklin, www.lifecoachinggroup.com
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