www.LifeCoachingGroup.com: Life's Little Lessons

     The "I" message is one of the easiest and most effective ways of communicating WITH ANYONE especially when emotions are involved. Yet, I'm always surprised by how rarely it's used or how few people know much about it.

     It's the greatest way to get your point across, be heard, and not have the other person feel a need to become defensive. Defensiveness only creates a prolonged argument or disagreement.

     It's great practice to use the "I" message in all conversations. It clearly makes your point, and yet, doesn't cause any dissention. In fact, it usually results in amazingly positive outcomes.

     Below are some examples of the "I" message vs. what you would normally say as the "typical response"

"I" Message		"Typical Response"
I feel as though you're not listening	vs.	You're not listening to me
I believe there is another side to this	vs.	You always think you are right
I feel as though my opinion doesn't matter	vs.	You don't care about my opinion
I feel as though you don't care about me	vs.	You just don't care about me
I hear that as a 'put down'	vs.	Stop putting me down
I interpret that as being mean	vs.	You are mean

So what's the difference in each example? Using the "I" message involves explaining how a particular behavior is affecting YOU. That would be different for each individual but by expressing how a behavior impacts you is a rude awakening for the person whose behavior is not acceptable. In every instance of the "typical response," you are creating friction by accusing and by attempting to TELL the other person how wrong they are and how they 'should' treat you differently. In turn, the person defends their action and the argument ensues.

Let's look at a real example. A client of mine was complaining that his teacher seemed to focus all of her attention on certain students sitting in the front of the room and ignore those sitting off to the side or in the rear. He wanted to speak with the teacher and tell her to pay attention to all of the students – in particular, those in the back where he was seated. I suggested that he try a different approach using the "I" message. He spoke with the teacher and simply said "When I'm sitting in the back of the room, I feel as though I'm not being noticed and addressed." So in essence, he made it 'his problem' - not what she was doing wrong. If he had said "You aren't paying attention to the people in the back of the room" she would have probably responded with "That's not true - I pay attention to everyone." However, by using the "I" message, she simply responded, I didn't realize that I wasn't looking toward the back of the room."

INVITATION TO EXPERIMENT:
At first, it may seem odd to stop yourself from immediately saying "You…." No matter how odd it may seem, if you are willing to try the "I" message experiment, you may have some very pleasant surprises. So for this month's experiment, see if you can stop yourself from your old pattern and try on the "I" message approach.

If you feel inclined, please let me know if you decide to go ahead and try this experiment and/or how it turns out. I would love to hear about your experiences.

Very best regards,

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